Monday, January 31, 2011

- Google Map It

Oh hey Google maps...why don't you come in and sit down so we can talk.  Where do you see this relationship going?

Because I'm going to be honest - I'm not happy with these circles you've been leading me in.  See, it was muy importante that I get to the Home Depot.  I tried once before but your route was similar to that of El Dorado in that I had a map, there was an x at the end of it, and yet I never got there.  I gave up and settled for a different Home Depot on a different day.  But tonight, I was going to find it, because it's the closest one to me and therefore the preferable location, and homegirl needed a level.  Last night I tried to hang one of my floating shelves and I measured like 50 times but my tape measure sucks so after drilling the holes and putting the shelf up it was obviously NOT level.  That is unacceptable behavior for a shelf.

It is even more unacceptable for a shelf that a carpenter's daughter hung.  I mean my Dad can probably walk up to a wall and place a hand on it like a horse whisperer and just feel where he should drill holes.  He probably doesn't even need a level, because he just sees things straight but he uses one anyway - to confirm that he's right.  Which is why I have always asked him do this except now he's not 2 hours up the road and I guess it's time that I learn to do these things for myself.

So I was going to the Home Depot because it's probably against the rules of nature to have a crooked shelf in your house for more than a day.  I google mapped how to get there from work.  Oh and just to make this really fun, and stress how much of a mission I was on - I went despite the fact that it snowed all last night and all day long.  I knew it would take me forever in the traffic, but as I said, I was determined.  Here is what you told me to do:

Blah blah blah, merge onto I-394 W.  You told me to get on I-94 first but I tried that last week and I'm smart enough not to make the same mistake twice.  I drive through downtown instead because there is less traffic.  It sounds like a lie, but then again, so is you telling me that the fastest way to get to I-394 is by I-94.  Then you say to take exit 5 for MN-100S.  Awesome.  I can do that, because this exit exists.  Then you say "Continue toward Parkdale Dr" and this is where we start to have problems.  Continue on what towards Parkdale Dr?  Parkdale Dr is not an exit.  There is no split or fork where MN-100S goes one way and Parkdale Dr goes another.  There is no sign for Parkdale Dr. and for all intents and purposes, I cannot find a Parkdale Dr anywhere except on the map.  This angers me, so after passing the exit for Park Place Blvd/Xenia Rd I decided to take the Ceder Lake Rd exit because the Home Depot is supposedly on Ceder Lake Rd.  I get to a 4-way stop and try to consult Google Maps on my phone but my location is not accurate.  To tell me I am somewhere within a 1600 meter radius is not helpful.  I am angry and frustrated and guess left.  That is wrong because it leads to a dead end. So I turn around.  I "continue" on Ceder Lake Rd and get to a shopping center which has NO entrance from Ceder Lake Rd.  I drive around it onto Zarthan Dr and then onto 16th before I see an entrance that will lead to the Home Depot which has somehow magically appeared.  And by magic I mean that literally a protective Harry Potter charm lifted and something was all of the sudden visible that was not seconds before.  OMG now my nerdiness is hanging out.

Now Google Maps, I am not blaming you totally for this.  I put some of the blame on the Home Depot for giving itself the most stupid address known to man which places it on a street that you cannot access it from.  And I take a small smidgen of blame for not zooming into the satellite map and realizing that the path ends randomly in the middle of the street that is near a building but has a parking lot on the opposite side.

View Larger Map
But mostly, I'm just going to say that you led me astray.  I counted on you and you let me down and I don't forget or forgive that easily.  I expect you to be smarter than that.  Just like I should be smart enough to know that I should test the tape measure before buying it so that I don't end up with this:
And while we are on the subject of home improvement implements, let's discuss the level selection.  They divide them up by things like lite duty, heavy duty, and super heavy duty (I am clearly making this up as I can't really remember).  Your super heavy duty one is like all serious for serious job sites - which I don't really need which is good because I didn't really want to spend $45 on a level. The lite duty one is not for job sites and won't scratch painted surfaces, so it's clearly geared towards home usage, but it's only $10 and I just don't know if you can trust a level that's only $10.  So I bought the $25 model with shock absorbing protecting end caps so that when I drop it on my bare foot which hurts like a bee-yotch, my level will still be okay.  That's the kind of logic I like to take to the hardware store.

While Google Maps and I are on a break, my new level proved to be the pillar of steadfastness I needed and my shelves are seriously perfecto.

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