Tuesday, March 22, 2011

- Sneaky Hate Spiral

I stumbled upon Hyperbole and a Half when I really needed to laugh.  Because laughter is the best medicine and good Lord did I need some medicine.  I needed the kind of laughter that can shake your soul and give you some healing.  Let's just say it was back in December.

Anyways, one of my favorite posts of hers is the "Sneaky Hate Spiral".  If you haven't read it yet, you have to right now, or none of this will make sense.

Today I came home.  That might sound predictable, but usually Emma seems to think that this not possible so it is pretty monumental that it happens all the time.  As in: every time I leave, I come home.  Magic!  So I come inside and I expect to see my dog jumping up and down just absolutely over the moon that I actually came home because she missed me a ridiculous amount.  But she isn't there.  For a split second I thought, "GOOD GOD, She's finally learned and she's passed out in my bed, taking it easy, living without anxiety" Except when I call her there is no response: I can't hear her little feet pitter pattering, or her ears flopping as she shakes her head after she gets up...I don't hear anything.  My next logical emotion is panic.  I drop all of my bags and go running into my room only to find nothing.  By this point (which is only like 10 seconds in) I have convinced myself that her bark collar has malfunctioned and she's lying dead somewhere and I'm the worst dog owner in the world - which I am, but not because my dog is dead.  Finally, I hear all this scratching and thumping and realize it's coming from the bathroom.  But when I run in there's still no dog in sight - because she has gotten herself trapped in the bath tub, without disturbing the shower curtain whatsoever.

I'm all WTF mate? Because Emma hasn't shown much interest in the bathroom...unless I'm in there.  So I rescue her and nearly cry from relief and she acts like she hasn't seen me in days and I try to ignore it.  Wondering what led her to the bathtub I start doing a "check" of my apartment - searching for pee, poop, vomit, anything that could explain this bizarre behavior.  In the laundry room I find her food and water bowl far from their original places and I realize her water bowl is empty so I go to fill it.  And she flips out. When I put down the full water bowl she immediately is ALL over it and drinks the whole thing, right there, practically without breathing.  That morning I didn't re-fill her water because I thought I had just done it late the night before and so there would be plenty, but apparently I was WRONG.  The best I can tell is that my dog got in the bathtub because she is smart (contrary to popular belief) and knows that's where water comes from.  For all I know she licked my loofah to try to hydrate herself.

The fact that my dog was that desperate means that I'm the worst dog owner in the world.

On top of all this I realized that my stomach is killing me.  Probably for two reasons: 1. I'm wearing pants that actually fit and my stomach isn't used to feeling pressure from a waistband and 2. Because most of what I eat at work gives me gas and I end up every day super bloated.  I mean seriously, every day I go home feeling like in my 8 hour workday I got knocked up and progressed to about 4 months preggers.  This is hugely annoying, despite the fact that I'll totally be cute pregnant:
Exhibit A.  
All I need is a popped belly button.  Oh and an ACTUAL baby, instead of gas.

Then I was walking Emma, and that's when I had my very own turning point.  Because Minneapolis is apparently having an identity crisis and going through a Chicago phase.  For as many days as I can remember, it's been windy.  I've never really liked wind, probably because I have bangs and wind + bangs = a no go.  Then it has this uncanny ability to make things colder.  Stupid wind.  As an added bonus, today is also rainy, so walking Emma is like the most super fun activity ever...especially after a near panic attack with a stomach full of air.

So the wind is blowing and the raindrops are hitting me in the face and Emma is taking her dear sweet time to do her bidness and I'm having to hold my hood to keep it from blowing off my head and I forgot to wear gloves and my hand is getting all cold and wind is blowing so hard that I feel like I'm going to be swept off my feet and I'm just left thinking "OMG WIND - STOP PUSHING ON ME".

But then that reminded me of Hyperbole and a Half and I smiled and my sneaky hate spiral was thwarted and then I wrote the most interesting blog post in the world about my experience.  Lucky you.

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