Thursday, May 5, 2011

- Cinco de Mayo

A year ago today I ended a relationship.  I've mentioned that before.  It may sound like a sad moment to reflect upon, but in the last year I've really come to appreciate that relationship and all of its ups and downs that lasted a total of three and a half years.

The first time we broke up it was his decision. I can't even remember what we were upset about but he just up and left town.  This was glaringly obvious since we lived together at the time.  I heard nothing from him until he returned - which happened to be the night before my Master's defense.  Coincidentally, this was also the same weekend that Jaclyn and Matt got engaged - and it's such a weird feeling to feel so incredibly happy for two of your best friends, and yet so devastatingly sad for yourself.  I don't know that I will ever forgive him for his ridiculous lack of respect and atrocious timing.  But then again, he was never very good at making me feel like I was a priority in his life.  I should have been done with him.  If this happened to me today, I would be - no questions asked.  But back then I thought I needed him.  I still thought he was so right for me it would be wrong of us not to be together.  So I allowed, and even welcomed, us getting back together for the first of too many times to count. 

Every other time we broke up after that was my doing. When it was finally over I couldn't believe how much time I wasted in a relationship that stalled in the same place for 2.5 years.  I resented that he dragged me along for so long when it was clear he never wanted to move forward.  And I felt like an idiot for letting him do that to me, even after I recognized what was happening. 

But now, I realize that it took every single break up for me to become the person that I am. In a way I needed him to fight against me all those times to make me eventually figure out that I didn't care what he thought about who I was or who I was going to be. Because I loved the person I was becoming. I love the person I am.  When I was ready to admit that, I was ready to say goodbye to him.

I've kind of been wondering about him recently...don't get me wrong, I like him firmly rooted in my past and don't want to change that. But, I always figured that shortly after me he would meet the girl he would marry - someone who wasn't anything like me in that she believes in his God, and is more mild mannered and blonde...someone who finally made him realize what he wanted.

Because that's what he showed me.

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