Wednesday, May 30, 2012

- Spring is a 4 Letter Word

I hesitate to write what I'm about to write because it pretty much solidifies me as a Minnesotan because y'all...I'm about to write a whole post complaining about The Weather.  

If you're in Minnesota and you're not talking about The Weather then you're doing it wrong.  I can't remember a day that has gone by where I haven't had at least one conversation about The Weather.  I am one of those people who normally spends a lot of time monitoring the weather (this probably stems from my deep rooted fear of thunderstorms which I used to handle by following the radar maps on the Weather Channel obsessively to see where the storm was, when it would be moving through my part of town, when it would be over - and yes, occasionally turning the volume down on the TV and pretending to be the meteorologist standing in front of the map - don't judge) and even I think we talk about it way too much up in here.

When I told people I was moving up here pretty much everyone one in NC was like "Ew why?" except for the supportive friends and family who were thrilled that I got a job and were actually excited.  Most comments were something like "OMG it's so cold there - you'll die!" "I would die if I had to live there" "Aaaahhhhhhh so much snow!" or just the basic "Minnesota = death".  The people who lived up here were pretty much like "Yes, winter is cold.  It snows more here than it does in NC.  It is colder for longer.  Buy a good coat and pair of snow boots and find something you like to do in the cold and you'll be fine".  None of these statements is groundbreaking.  You don't need to hear any of those things from Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory to know they're true.  Why, yes that is one of my current TV show obsessions.  Although as much as I love it, what I feel for that show is a distant second to how I feel about Sons of Anarchy because y'all I am totally down with the SAMCRO.  I'm that show's Old Lady.

And guess what?  I'm totally FINE with Winter here.  I would even say that Winter and I are good friends.  I looked forward to Winter last year and was actually kind of disappointed that it was one of the mildest winters ever.  But just kind of, because I plan to be here a while and I know that Winter will eventually slap me in the face with a coldness that I never knew existed...but for now Winter and I are chill. Yep, I totally just used that pun.

But let me tell you who I would gladly talk some schmack about behind their back on the playground?  SPRING.  Spring is like the biggest beotch I've met up here.  She's all "Look!  It looks like it's warm outside because it's May and sunny!" And then I go outside wearing something summery like shorts and she gives me a huge wedgie filled with 50 degree temps and goosebumps.  Then sometimes I check the weather app on my phone and she's all "Oooooohhhhhhh look temperatures in the high 70's for Monday - Friday" but Saturday and Sunday will be cold and rainy.  That stunt single-handedly ruined the local spring rugby season for me...and when you start messing with my ability to enjoy watching rugby you better hope you don't come across me in a deserted place with no witnesses.  Another Spring stunt is when she throws a really big curve ball and is like "90 degrees - outside is like Heaven on Earth!"  And it will be.  It will be SO glorious and I'll just sit on my balcony and bask in the fact that merely the ambient temperature can make me sweat.  But then by 7pm The Weather has started and I have to barricade myself in my closet because the storms are scary and are those tornado sirens I hear?

So, if you're going to move to Minnesota and you want to ask me about The Weather I'm not even going to talk about old man Winter.  Instead, I will tell you the 3 things that I wish had been told to me.
  1. Spring is a beotch
  2. Minneapolis could easily give Chicago a run for it's money when it comes to "windiest city"
  3. It's drier here than my sense of humor
The only other shortcoming of Spring that we haven't discussed is how long it lasts.  Today is May 30th and I haven't taken my jacket or scarf off all day...granted I am wearing lightweight versions of both but STILL.  The high is 60 degrees.  I remember at the beginning of Spring (which was late March this year) when 60 was OMG so warm and felt glorious.  Two months later 60 has lost all appeal and is pretty much freezing.  The warmest part of my day (because for some reason work establishments seem to think that copious amounts of air conditioning are necessary) is when I get in my car that has been sitting in the sun for 8 hours.

You know what else makes 60 degrees suck?  Wind.  Wind is like the bane of my existence.  Spring makes me angry but it's usually slow to build.  Like I'm really only just now getting fed up with Spring and it's been 2 months.  I would say that I've exercised some pretty good patience there.  But  the exact same second Wind starts to literally push on me I am immediately pissed.  The kind of pissed that causes me to creatively string 4 letter words together in a loud voice outside, in front of strangers.  Like, when I'm walking Emma in the morning and I decide to look nice and wear a dress to work and Wind is all "Oh who is that walking over there?  I don't think you've flashed them yet" because in the year and a half I've lived here I've flashed more people than in the rest of my life.  Or when I'm going out and I've put major effort into what my hair looks like and Wind notices by blowing my bangs so far out of place that everything is ruined and now I'll never meet a cute guy and get married and have kids because He'll see me and be all "Wow she'd be cute except her bangs look terrible" and so he won't come up and talk to me and therefore will never learn that I'm an awesome person who normally has great hair.  Or when I'm trying to run an errand quickly an don't wear a coat and Wind reminds me "Hey it's actually freezing out here because I'm gusting at 20 mph today".  I'm not exaggerating.  Wind at 20 mph is not uncommon.  Even today it's at 7 mph and guess what?  That is WAY past a gentle breeze.  Last week when it was 92, there was a wind chill that only made it feel like 89.  Seriously.  Wind chill in May = Whisky Tango Foxtrot.

The last thing - and hardest thing for me to adjust to year round - is that the air does not usually carry any moisture in it.  I miss good old fashioned North Carolinian humidity almost every day.  It's weird to say that because when I lived in NC I thought that was the worst part, but I have to wonder if my move to a drier climate has made my skin and scalp conditions present when they would have stayed hidden in NC.  Here I apply baby oil, Vaseline or Aquaphor Healing Ointment, Eucerin + Intensive Repair lotion and prescription medications in some combination at least once a day and usually twice.  That's not even counting the several medicated shampoos I use in rotation and the many anti-aging lotions I use on my face - at least two of which are moisturizers.  Plus, I make a point to drink AT LEAST 64 ounces of water and usually I'm in excess of 80 per day.  That's a lot of time, effort, and money that I devote every day to trying to make sure my skin doesn't hightail it back to NC and leave me here defenseless.

Of course the locals like to think that it's humid - which by this point I don't think I have to tell you, is complete hogwash.  Last year was apparently especially bad and "OMG it was SO humid and hot!" according to them.  I remember loving and appreciating every minute the thermometer spent above 80 degrees and in my honest opinion there were 4 days last year that qualified as humid.  Although that's probably a good thing because on 2 of those days we had tornadoes, so if it is NC humid up here all hell breaks loose in numerous ways.  And 4 days of legit humidity is all well and good but that still leaves a lot of days in the year to shove Vaseline up your nose so it stops cracking and you don't get a nosebleed at an inopportune time.  Is there ever a good time for a nosebleed?

On that note, I have to go to the dermatologist and get a prescription that hopefully doesn't cost $450+ like my others because in case you were wondering - Psoriasis is the best life partner ever because he likes to surprise you with "gifts" year round.

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