Thursday, November 22, 2012

- Thankful

On Monday night I wrote:

My brotard (Aaronus) used to write songs and play music.  On his mandolin.  Or keyboard.  Some were about kidney stones and ridiculous toes, and some weren't.  He still jams out occasionally but once I asked him why he doesn't write and sing songs anymore.  He said it was because he was happy and in love.  It's easier to write songs when you're tormented and dark and twisty.

Writing is the complete opposite for me.  If I'm not incandescently happy with my life, I feel weird writing about it here.  I feel like if you know me in the slightest, it will be too easy to see the cracks in the facade.

So, I don't write.  Or eat much more than ramen.  Or make my bed even though the sheets are clean.  Or check Facebook.  Or Twitter.  Or Instagram.  And "Carolina In My Mind" comes on my Pandora station while I'm working on a craft project and I find myself sitting on the floor no longer glue gunning, but crying instead.  Because I'm so far into my head and my own crappy thoughts that the only way out is through a river of tears.

Since I moved to Minneapolis I know there has been a hole in my heart.  I haven't tried to hide that.  But the other parts of me have been so full that it is easier to ignore.  Lately though, the things that are missing in my life have gone from being barely noticeable, like a picture absent from a locket, to a gaping black hole of nothingness.  A void so oppressive that I sometimes fear it will disengage its jaws and swallow me whole.  

And I wonder if I ever felt like this in Raleigh.  I know there were some low points but maybe you never remember quite how low they were until you're feeling them again.  It's always easier to remember the good and forget the bad.  All I know is that there is a very big part of me that wants to go home for Christmas...

And never come back.

But really, this is all terribly dramatic.  I'm fine. I will be fine.  I will realize that this is ridiculous and I have far too few reasons to feel like this.  I will start to re-focus on the things that I do have in my life, and am lucky to have - rather than focusing on all of the things that are missing.  And one day, sooner than I think, I will start to hope again that those things that are missing will find their way into my life.  Unfortunately, that day is not today.  Today I'm a little bit broken.  

On Tuesday I woke up feeling not much better than I had Monday night.  I hadn't intended to publish what I wrote, but I just needed to get it out of me.  I needed to let the bad out so that some good might have hope of finding it's way in.  And then I got a text from The Drew saying that he was in town and wondering if I had time to hang out.  At first I was hesitant because I was in such a sad state I knew I would be sorry company, but I couldn't ignore the cosmic interference of it all.  Not 12 hours before I was pouring out my heart about how utterly alone I felt, and all of the sudden there was a good friend asking to see me.  So, I went.  And it healed me.  Never underestimate the power of open conversation with a good friend.  As we sat there commiserating and laughing and talking about everything and nothing I could literally feel some of pieces fitting back together.

Wednesday morning I woke up feeling like a much better version of myself.  Feeling normal.  It helped knowing that in a few short hours I would be on the way to Omaha to spend Thanksgiving with Liz.  More time in the company of another good friend.  More time to heal.  More time to bounce back.

Today I am thankful.  Thankful that I have such wonderful friends and family in my life.  I am thankful for that every day, but some days it is harder to realize before other distractions press their way in.  This week has taught me how important my loved ones are in keeping myself whole.  And I don't intend to forget that again anytime soon.

1 comment:

Mams said...

Ah La....you will soon be home and I will give you lots of Moochie! My heart aches for you..it is not easy living so far from home, friends and family but you are making it work! Dark periods are always followed by light and sometimes it just takes a little bump(thanks Drew!) to get the circle moving again. Can't wait to see you! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥